Just Breathe Through It

Back to reality.

I took a couple of days off after the end of the Challenge, then got back in the saddle on Saturday morning. I enjoyed my first Sunday off, and then BOOM. All of a sudden, it was Monday morning.

It's a good thing Brook teaches on Mondays; knowing that she'll be there greatly lessens the temptation for me to skip class. She's that good.

And it was a good class. These days, going to the studio feels a little like going into Cheers; I love the community and chit chat and support.

Camel was more overwhelming than it has been for a long time, but I remembered what Brook had already said a couple of times: "Just breathe through what you're feeling. It's only temporary." This is a life lesson, one I won't forget anytime soon.

I realized that I didn't give any hard numbers when I made my Day 60 report, but today all of my Challenge material is due, so here's the deal. During the Sixty-Day Challenge:

• I lost seven pounds.
• I lost an inch off my chest.
• I lost 4.5 inches off my waist (at the navel).
• I lost 1.25 inches off my hips.
• My upper arm stayed the same, and I lost a half inch from my thigh. 

Pretty good, eh?  A little over seven inches all over. I'm sure younger people with working thyroids did better, but I'm happy for any progress in the right direction. Hopefully, it's just the beginning.

Day 60 -- Done!

I woke up feeling emotional and a bit disoriented. I'd been working on the Challenge for so long that I couldn't believe it was ending. I even got a little weepy when I thought about it, but pulled myself together and headed to the 9am class once my morning routine was complete.

It was fitting that Val was leading the class, I thought. She owns the studio and taught the very first class I attended. Class was pretty full, so I set up close to the door.

As we began, I realized it was just another class. I wasn't going to magically be able to extend my leg in Standing Head to Knee or touch my forehead to my knee in Standing Separate Leg Stretch. I was maybe a micrometer more advanced than I'd been the day before, that's all.

And that was fine. I was just happy to be there.

Lying in savasana after the Standing Series, I felt my emotions well up a bit--and then the dam threatened to break when Val started talking about me to the class. How impressed and inspired she was that I'd completed the challenge despite all the kids and my schedule and just having started, etc. People started whooping and clapping spontaneously, and I will confess that a few tears mingled with the sweat running down my face.

And then, 35 minutes later, it was over. I hung around a little longer than usual to congratulate other Challenge finishers, and I wanted it just to sink in that I was done. And then I went home, like always.

A little later, the doorbell rang. I answered the door to find a delivery man from my favorite florist standing there with a lavish floral arrangement.

The card read, "Congrats on 60! You are Hot Yoga. Love, Patrick."

Best. Husband. In the world. Again with the weepiness.

I wonder if this is how people feel after their first marathons: the disbelief, the gradual realization that it's OVER. But then again, as my yoga Yoda Bruce wrote in his congratulatory text, "This is just the beginning."

He's absolutely right.

Day 49 -- The Three-Set Class

I won't deny I was nervous when I signed up for Jeff's Three-Set Class, but the fact that it would count as a double was plenty of motivation despite my anxiety.

I needn't have worried. Jeff is serious about yoga, but doesn't take himself seriously. There were so many great things about the two and a half hours:

• Jeff deconstructed many of the asanas, showing what they were designed to do and why. Layering new info onto experience at a high level of detail is one of my favorite things, and this class was no exception.
• He also showed us a lot of advanced postures that build off of the basic ones we do in class, which was inspiring and mind-blowing. I didn't know the human body could do some of the things that he and Roxanne showed us. Wow.
• The pace was slightly slower, which meant I could catch my breath and really focus on trying new things and feeling new ways to do things I already knew.
• We got lots of attention and praise as we worked our hardest to rise to new levels. 
• The energy in the room was high--lots of laughter, lots of intensity, lots of whooping and cheering. 

When it was all done, I felt great; I think all of us were sorry that it was over. Jesse had kidded that the class shouldn't be worth a full two stars on our Challenge charts, but I swear: we earned them.

I would definitely do another three-set class in the future; I hear cool things are being planned for the fall, and I don't think I'll be nervous about signing up again.

"You'll be higher than a kite when you leave here," Jeff promised early in the class. He was right.

Day 43 -- Endure to the End

There are 17 days left to go in the Sixty-Day Challenge. I still have two doubles to do. Sometimes I can't believe I've made it this far.

Today's class was the most humid I've ever been in. It was very full, but that can't account for all of it. I swear: it was almost foggy in the room. Picture a 105 degree swamp. Me no likey. Luckily, Eva is a wonderful teacher, and she kept me going.

With sweat sheeting down me as we finished the Standing Series, I thought about leaving the room. I lay in savasana and thought about the cool, dry air mere feet away from me. But then I realized I wasn't overwhelmed or panicky; I was just intensely uncomfortable. As much as I wanted to leave, I didn't need to leave. And there's a big difference. I thought of Brook's frequent saying: the sensations are temporary.

So I stuck it out. I made the most of each savasana. I breathed my way through the postures and did my best to think releasing thoughts in Camel and Rabbit. And a few minutes later, I was finished.

Patience. Perseverance. Endurance. Grace. They'll carry me through.

Day 39 -- Back-to-Back

Today was a double day--and this time, I did the classes one after the other. I was nervous about this; I started preparing yesterday by making sure I had plenty of electrolytes.

Val's 9am class was first, and it wasn't my easiest. The good part was that Eva was there and had made so much progress that spontaneous applause and hoots of encouragement broke out. Go, Eva!

But I had a hard time focusing, and at one point felt so tired that I had no idea HOW in the world I'd ever get through another entire class, let alone the one I was in. But I forced that fear out of my mind and worked even harder on being in the moment.

After class, I sat in the foyer with a couple of friends I've made, drank my first Vitamin Water, and just rested in the blessed cool air. By the time it was time to go in for Miranda's 11am class, I felt a bit restored.

Half Moon was tough; my neck was just plain fatigued. But then, somewhere in the middle of the standing series, it stopped being quite so hard. A wave of calm washed over me, and I got some kind of second wind. I finished the rest of the class with serenity. And that second Vitamin Water went down pretty smoothly.

When I got home, I felt great mood-wise, but I'm not gonna lie. My thighs felt like two slabs of meat.  (Just now, though, Patrick rubbed a bunch of eucalyptus basil stress relief cream into them, and they feel as good as new.) Before all the after school routine started, I was able to snatch a 30-minute nap after making and drinking more of my homemade electrolyte drink, and the rest of the day went just fine.

I'll do another back-to-back double on Friday, circumstances permitting. Now that I've done it once, I won't have the anxiety of the unknown. I can finish this challenge!

Day 38 -- Stars

I live for my Sixty-Day Challenge chart on the wall at the yoga studio. I love getting my star sticker and putting it in its little box after every class. Clearly, I was deprived as a kindergartner, because that humble piece of paper gives me an absurd sense of pride and accomplishment. The whole wall, filled with charts that sport new stars every day, is quite a sight.

Class today was with Jen, who is new to the Pasadena studio. I loved her approach to the dialog; she knew it perfectly, but it sounded like she was saying the familiar words for the first time. We're often told to approach the postures with a beginner's attitude, and Jen's fresh style made that much easier. Very enjoyable.

Superstar teacher and yogi Bernadette set up next to me in class, and she was even more of an inspiration up close and personal. I was glad for her example, because I struggled today. I noticed right away that I felt stiff and sore after a day away; I'd hoped that the extra rest would be in my favor, but it didn't seem to be.

In Camel, I experienced yet another kind of stars--the kind that are very familiar to those with low blood pressure. Green shooting stars are a sure sign that I'll pass out if I don't change something. I got into the back bend, but had to come out early both sets. But I let it go, as Jen directed. Too good is no good, as Val likes to say. Sometimes you have to ease off.

This is the most demanding exercise I've ever done--harder than Body for Life, harder than Crossfit, harder than training for a 5K. Why do I keep doing it? Because every time I leave the studio, I feel like a star, like I can do anything at all. It's all worth it for that.

Day 37 -- Reality

My youngest woke up with a fever this morning, which meant taking her to the doctor this morning instead of taking her to school and then heading to Brook's 9am Bikram yoga class.

I felt discouraged about the shuffle and about life in general, so I went online to see if I could find anyone else who had chronicled their 60-day challenge. Success! I was interested to read Aimee Macovic's chronicle, since she practices in Austin, Texas--which is where my Bikramite brother-in-law lives. And then we left for the pediatrician's office.

So. Instead of Standing Head to Knee, I practiced Standing in Line for a Chest X-Ray (to rule out pneumonia). I figured I'd go to the 4:30 class once my six-year-old was back in bed with her teenage sisters to keep an eye on her.

But the installation of our new home security system ran very long (still going on, in fact). And we got school progress reports today, and a couple of people needed a reality check regarding grades. And on and on and on.

No yoga today. I'm back to needing to do three doubles in order to complete the Sixty-Day Challenge. I plan to do one on Wednesday, one on Friday, and (if I'm not dead) possibly one on Thursday. If I can't make Thursday work due to extreme fatigue, I'll go for another next Wednesday.

I knew this would happen, this reality thing. I've got five kids in three different schools (not counting the two who are away at college); the system breaks down every once in a while, and my family is my first priority. I'll get back to class tomorrow. I already miss it.

Day 36 -- Renewal

36/60--Three fifths of the way through the challenge. (I love fractions.)

Today is the holiest day of the year for me, a day that commemorates renewal and hope. Because I wanted to spend as much time as possible with my family, I went to the earliest yoga class I could find--which was at the South Pasadena studio at 7am. I've always practiced in Pasadena, so I was interested to see what the experience would be like at another studio.

I got up at 6 o'clock and got ready, preparing our family Easter basket, among other things. Then I followed my GPS to the South Pasadena studio. I was glad there was a temporary sign out front, or I would have missed it entirely. I'm not familiar with that area at all.

It's a smaller classroom than in Pasadena, on the second floor of a building. I loved the northern light that came in through several windows. There were only about 15 of us in class, as I would expect early on a holiday Sunday. The teacher, Mark, was passionate and energetic and took good care of a woman who had recently had knee surgery. I appreciated his guidance. It was a serene but strenuous class, and I enjoyed the view of passing clouds as I lay in savasana.

Sunday is always a day of spiritual renewal for me, Easter Sunday even more so. I was grateful for 90 minutes of meditation first thing in the morning. It's a wonderful life.

Day 35 -- Surfacing

I've had Miranda as a classmate many times (her Standing Toe is awesome), but hadn't had her as a teacher until today. It was a good thing; postures went smoothly, and Miranda's dry humor kept things light. And I grabbed the bottom of my foot in Standing Head to Knee! That felt great.

Miranda mentioned that at this point in the sixty-day challenge, buried emotions start coming to the surface, and people can get irritable, cranky, and emotional. Old injuries resurface. Fatigue sets in. I've been feeling panicky in Rabbit lately, despite my best efforts to breathe and stay calm, and I wonder if there's something within me trying to get out when I do that posture. I'll keep watching it and see what happens.

Day 32 -- Waves

I just finished class #30! I'm halfway through the Sixty-Day Challenge.  Cue the Bon Jovi.

Changes I've noticed so far:

* I have a lot less tension in my shoulders and neck.
* I've experienced much less "mental fog," depression, and anxiety.
* I've lost many inches, including 5.5 at my waist and 2 at my hips. (FIVE POINT FIVE!)
* I've lost four pounds.

That's pretty significant, if you ask me.

But I was dragging this morning after yesterday's double. I might have skipped yoga today, but the thought of adding ANOTHER double--when I still have two more to go--to my calendar persuaded me that I could gut it out and go. I wasn't feeling sorry for myself--not quite--but my enthusiasm was low.

And then I walked into class and saw Eva.

Eva started doing Bikram at about the same time I did--about six weeks ago. Eva is severely disabled with Cerebral Palsy and comes to class with her aide, Megan. She does the standing series in her wheelchair, and then gets on the floor with the rest of us for the second half of class. Val led class today and remarked several times on how much progress Eva has made in the past six weeks through hard work and sheer grit. She. Is. Awesome. If Eva can strengthen her mind and body through Bikram's yoga, so can I. She has no idea how she's affected me for the better. (But I did ask her permission to write about her today.)

We all affect each other, for good or for ill. When you're in a very hot, humid room with fifty other students and focusing on stillness, you notice the slightest movement of the people around you because of the motion of the air. When the class releases upheld arms after Half Moon, or turns as one in the full expression of Triangle, it makes a very slight breeze that you can miss if you're not paying attention. I've written before about the waves of blessedly cool air that come into the classroom as people leave, but this is much more subtle. Today I noticed when the woman next to me got up for a minute to get a tissue. The wake of her passing by felt good on my sweaty skin.

Basic physics tells me that we're all making these waves in the air as we move around all the time. We affect one another, even when we don't realize it. But I do want to realize it; I want to be more aware both of the waves of influence that wash over me and those I cause for others. We're all connected, I feel, but we'll miss those waves and connections--unless we're very still.

Day 31 -- Make It a Double

Today I'm more than halfway through the Sixty-Day Challenge day-wise...but not class-wise. As I write this first half of today's post at 10:45 a.m., I've done 28 classes in the past 31 days. (I went to Sachie's 6:30 class this morning. Patrick went with me, which was lovely.)

That means I need to do at least three "doubles" (or "two-a-days") before the challenge is over. The days are getting on, and the need to make those classes up is weighing on me; today will be my first double.

Yesterday, I was a little nervous of what a double might take out of me, so I read up a bit online. Everyone unanimously counseled paying extra attention to hydration--at least 24 hours in advance. So yesterday, I drank even more than I usually do, paying attention to electrolytes. 

Was it a coincidence that this morning's class felt miraculously easy? Maybe "easy" is the wrong word. I still worked as hard as I possibly could--but I got through every posture without sitting any out, and the room didn't feel as hot as it usually does. According to what I read online, exhaustion and heat intolerance are symptoms of dehydration. I wonder whether I've been under-hydrating all this time without realizing it. We'll see. 

I wish I could just take a long nap, but the kids don't have school today, and my errand list is lengthy. But even given all I need to do, I will rest as much as I can until it's time to leave for the 4:30 class. 

***

Second class, after a long day of errands: tough, but manageable. I was glad Jeff was in charge; his positive, clear, detailed directions were my lifeline. I had to sit out a set of Triangle and all of Floor Bow, but the rest went okay. Tess went with me and had fun. One double down! 29 classes done; 31 to go. Can't wait to be in savasana for seven hours in my bed. I'm hydrating to be ready for tomorrow's 9 o'clock with Val!

Day 26 -- Fatigue

Jeff told me early on in the challenge that fatigue would be a problem. I appreciated the heads-up, and I didn't doubt him. Twenty-six years ago, I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, so I am intimately acquainted with the cumulative effects of fatigue. And today, I definitely feel the truth of Jeff's statement.

Class was great. Y Thuan, like all the Bikram Pasadena teachers, is a pro. I enjoyed her gentle corrections and encouragement. I did my best. I can tell I'm making progress in several postures, and I was delighted after class when Val asked if she could profile me in her next newsletter. She took a photo of sweaty me squinting into the sun and doing Half Moon Pose, and then asked me a few questions about what brought me to Bikram. It was a nice shot in the arm.

After coming home, though, I haven't gotten myself to do much of anything other than give James some advice on his John Donne essay. Part of it is that I have a six-year-old home from school with a fever, and it's way nicer to cuddle with her while she watches the Disney Channel than it is to do anything on my chore list. Part of it is that this week has been very hectic schedule-wise. And I know that a lot of it is hormonal, so I'm trying just to go with it. My body is tired; I'm trying to give it what it demands.

I have to get up and get going, though. People will need dinner and clean clothes and encouragement on homework very soon. The down time has done me good; I'll find my second wind. And then I'll get up tomorrow and go to yoga all over again, fatigue or no fatigue.

Day 20 -- One Third

20/60! One third of the way through the challenge!

After our Disney Day yesterday, it felt good to get back on the Bikram yoga horse today. (I now have three days to make up, but that's feeling doable as I get stronger.)

It was my first class with Nafisa, and she was a riot--but also very precise--a great combination.

Looking at myself in the mirror through the poses, I thought about the slogan on Friday Night Lights: "Clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose." The rest of the class and I did our best to work together, and that one good belly laugh in savasana felt great.

With yoga, as with life, I feel it's important to take the practice seriously, but NOT take myself too seriously. Maybe my personal slogan will be "Clear eyes, light heart, can't lose." Namaste.

Day 18 -- Mama Said

Days like this. Oy.

Today was rough mood-wise all day; I hated saying goodbye to my sister, for one thing. She's off on more globe-trotting adventures. I'm glad I had her to myself for a good week, though.

I went to the 4:30 class, which was later than I would have liked, but it was the only time that worked for me today. And apparently I ate lunch a little too late in the day for comfort; reflux hit me in the middle of class and became a big distraction. But I stayed in the room and got through most of the asanas.

Afterward, I didn't have my usual euphoria, which was a total dogsock. And I'm way exhausted now.

Tomorrow's Disneyland with the family; we're leaving tonight and staying in one of the Disney hotels so that we can get to the park extra early. It'll be a physical/mental/emotional challenge all its own. :) But seriously: I'm looking forward to being completely present with the kids and spending time making memories. We'll stay late and hope for fireworks, since they were canceled last time we went.

So I'll be back on the yoga horse Friday morning. I am tentatively planning on a double on Friday, assuming Mickey Mouse doesn't totally do me in. After missing tomorrow, I'll have three classes to make up before the end of the challenge, and I'd like to get those out of the way soon. If not Friday, possibly Saturday. I'll get there.

I know that the challenge will have ups and downs, but I do hope that downs like today are few and far between.

Day 16 -- Best-Laid Plans

Well, I had planned to do a double today. It's Spring Break for my kids, so except for my 16-year-old's early morning swim practice, the day was pretty unstructured.

I went to the 11am class. Brook taught; it was awesome. I've come to terms with the fact that Bikram class will never not be hard, and I'm even looking forward to the daily challenge of getting through the postures with grace and serenity. Fixed Firm pose went great today! And after it was over, I savored my slushy Vitamin Water on the way home.

(Pro tip: get your favorite flavors of Vitamin Water at the warehouse store. Put them in the deep freezer. Before class, take one out and take it into class with you. By the end of 90 minutes at 105 degrees, it'll be thawed enough to be Slurpee-ish. I never drink the VW in class; it's my treat for the car ride home. Plain ice water is all I want/need during the class itself.)

I came home and took a nap, ate, and hydrated, planning to go back to the 4:30 class. (We have Family Night on Monday nights, so later classes weren't an option.) I felt rested and serene and ready.

And then at 3:30, my six-year-old, Anne, ran across the hardwood living room floor in her socks, slipped, and face planted. Chin to floor. Split it right open. After I iced it for a couple of minutes, I could tell it would need stitches, so off we went to the Emergency Room.

Even though we got right in, the visit took nearly three hours. But Anne was a trooper, and the doctors and nurses were very kind and competent. I felt calm and completely not anxious. Anne and I read and played clapping games and talked about our upcoming trip to Disneyland. She's resting comfortably at home now, and I just ordered pizza.

Sometimes life takes over, and you just have to go with it. I can try again for a double on Friday or Saturday. It'll happen.

Day 15 -- 25 Percent

One thing I'm enjoying about the Sixty-Day Challenge is the variety of teachers. I've had six of them so far, with a new one just today: Christian. Each teachers follows the Bikram script, but each has subtle, personal variations that enhance my depth of learning.

I enjoy the detailed, precise directions some teachers give, but I also enjoy the greater degree of silence that others seem to prefer. I've learned a lot from everyone's style.

For example, today, Christian helped me understand the Fixed Firm posture better. He had me move my knees and adjust my hand position, and it was instantly both easier and more profound. After class, he asked me how it had felt on my knees.

I explained that my knees weren't the problem in that posture; it was my ankles that didn't love it.

"Ah," he said. "But your ankles are already in position. Nothing changes for them if you lean back farther. It still sucks for your ankles no matter what, so don't be afraid to take the posture deeper and enjoy the benefits for the rest of your body."

I laughed, but as he demonstrated, I could see that he was right. Suddenly, it all clicked for me, and I look forward to putting my new understanding into my practice going forward.

It was a subtle thing, but it felt symbolic of the progress I've made now that I'm a quarter way through the challenge. What new things will I learn in the weeks to come? I'm excited to find out.

Day 13 -- The Bubble

This morning, class was nearly over; we were all in final savasana. Brook was encouraging us to stay in that posture for as long as we could--one, two, five minutes.

"You've worked hard for this," she said. "Use the focus and purpose and calm you've gained over the past ninety minutes to go out into the world and be a little kinder, a little more patient, a little more generous. You've earned it, so use it."

And I started to cry.

Two weeks into my challenge, I've felt a little tired (okay, a lot tired) and have questioned somewhat whether I can really afford this--so much time devoted to yoga, when I have so many other things going on. My writing. My kids. My husband. My teaching. Household management. SO many other demands. 

I guess I'd been seeking a sign that the Bikram yoga, and the challenge in particular, was the right way for me to be spending my time. 

And then Brook's words fell over me like a gentle rain, and a little emotional bubble burst somewhere in my chest, and tears mingled with the sweat running down my face, and I knew. 

I was in the right place. I'm doing the right thing. All is well. I'll go forward. 

Day 11 -- Catalyst

Class was good. I didn't want to go; I felt so much better afterward.

I've known about Bikram and its benefits for a long time. But for years, I thought I didn't have the time. What changed? What was the catalyst?

I read an article by Paige Williams in O Magazine. Part One is here; Part Two is here. (Note that for both parts, it's difficult to get to page 6; for some reason, the links are wonky. But the sixth/final page of each part is the best, so make the effort to get there.)

I figured I needed wholesale change, just like Paige. I figured I'd try to make the time. So far, I'm glad I did.

Day 9 -- How You Try

This morning, Brook said something in class that struck me: "It's not what you do; it's how you try."

I thought about that a lot through the rest of the postures. We're so used to quoting Yoda: "Do, or do not; there is no try."

But there is "try" in yoga. I have to modify a lot of the asanas. Standing Head-to-Knee. Toe Stand. Camel. It'll be a long time before I can do them the way you see them performed in photographs.

But that's all right. I'm moving forward, and as I do my best version, I visualize doing them perfectly. Someday.

Since class this morning, I've thought about Brook's statement as it applies to life in general. I'm a perfectionist; all or nothing. Maybe that's why my writing has been such a chore lately. I'm not doing it the way I picture it in my head.

But maybe I need to focus more on the "try."

I'll "try" it and see how it goes. Stay tuned.

Day 8 -- Respite

Today because of church commitments, I can't make one of the four scheduled yoga classes. That's okay. I've already talked to Jeff about strategies for doing "doubles," meaning two classes in a day, because I'll have to do at least two to complete the challenge.

Let's face it: as out of shape as I am and with Daylight Savings Time starting, my body was glad for the respite.