Day 30 -- Savor It

I love Eric Barker's blog. He posts research on "how to be awesome at life," and his messages are always great reminders of things I can improve.

Last week, he posted about how to be happy, and his number one suggestion was to slow down and pay attention. Savor life, he suggests, and you'll notice that you're enjoying it more.

In Brook's always awesome class today, I noticed my discomfort in every moment and decided to try to turn it around and savor it. Brook reminded us that the sensations we were experiencing were only temporary, so I held onto that concept and let myself experience fully. Yes, I kept falling out of Standing Bow, but I focused on how it felt both to be in the posture and out of the posture.

Every savasana was even more enjoyable when I really worked to savor it. I noticed how uncomfortable and panicky I felt in Rabbit, and then let it go. After a lifetime spent avoiding discomfort, it's interesting to embrace it and appreciate where it can take me.

Day 12 -- Notice It

In 1989, I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. For a year, I slept 20-22 hours per day, and very gradually, through a lot of simultaneous self-care and pushing myself, went into remission--mostly. But even now, 26 years later, I have to be very careful.

A few years later, I got an additional diagnosis: Generalized Anxiety Disorder. My fatigue and anxiety, when combined, can cause me to literally panic when I get too tired. I worry about relapse; I worry about collapse. And that can be a vicious circle.

I noticed both my anxiety and my fatigue rising in my first Bikram class about a month ago. I was hot; I was pushing myself to my limits. I didn't know if I'd be able to make it through that class, but I decided that I only had two goals: to keep breathing and to stay in the room. I managed both.

Over the following weeks, as I got more comfortable with the class routine and expectations, my anxiety didn't trigger as much. I gave myself permission to sit out a set of a posture if I got light-headed. (This often happens to me in Camel or in Triangle; I think it has to do with my low blood pressure.)

And then I figured out something new. If I stayed in Camel and kept breathing, the light-headedness would subside. I didn't pass out or throw up. I just noticed the light-headedness and breathed through it.

It worked in Triangle, too. Lunging to the side, my arms stretching away from each other as hard as possible, I was uncomfortable. I felt dizzy. I noticed it and kept breathing. I made it through.

Sometimes noticing means taking action, but sometimes it just means...noticing. Detaching a bit and observing. Playing with the edge, as Brook likes to say. I'm getting better at noticing with a calm mind, dismissing my anxiety and telling it to come back later. This is a very good thing, and I look forward to applying it to other areas where my anxiety can paralyze me.

Day 9 -- How You Try

This morning, Brook said something in class that struck me: "It's not what you do; it's how you try."

I thought about that a lot through the rest of the postures. We're so used to quoting Yoda: "Do, or do not; there is no try."

But there is "try" in yoga. I have to modify a lot of the asanas. Standing Head-to-Knee. Toe Stand. Camel. It'll be a long time before I can do them the way you see them performed in photographs.

But that's all right. I'm moving forward, and as I do my best version, I visualize doing them perfectly. Someday.

Since class this morning, I've thought about Brook's statement as it applies to life in general. I'm a perfectionist; all or nothing. Maybe that's why my writing has been such a chore lately. I'm not doing it the way I picture it in my head.

But maybe I need to focus more on the "try."

I'll "try" it and see how it goes. Stay tuned.

Day 7 -- Just Be

Confession: I didn't want to go to yoga class today. I just woke up unenthused, and then I started thinking about how hard trikonasana would be, and I wished I didn't have the commitment to going hanging over me.

But then a thought came into my mind: Just go and be.

So I went and was.

And you know what? Trikonasana kicked my trash, as usual. But it was okay.

Day 6 -- Monkey Brain

I have a busy brain. It has served me well all these years. It's the reason I can contemplate a gnarly plot point in my latest novel while folding the daily laundry, or how I can make a mental shopping list as I drive around.

My brain is so busy that, in addition to my thoughts and my actions, I have a soundtrack going on during almost all of my conscious hours. It could be Brahms; it could be The Violent Femmes. But there's almost always something my brain is running over and over to itself.

Not at Bikram class. The yoga is so intense for me that I can't think about anything else. I focus totally on what my body is doing, and I hang onto the teacher's constant, calming flow of words like a lifeline. During the savasana breaks, I keep my mind as still as my body. I try not to anticipate what's coming next; I try not to evaluate what I've just done. I just breathe. This is a new thing for my monkey brain, but it feels good.

The stillness lasts about halfway through the drive home, but that's okay. I have a busy life, and I need to stay on top of things. But I welcome the daily break from the busy brain. It feels great just to turn it all off and regroup for a while.