Day 59 -- Hold On For One More Day

I'm not gonna lie: I'm tired. I'm looking forward to my regular practice, which will be 4-5 days per week instead of 7.

But I've made SO MUCH progress during the Sixty-Day Challenge. I'll do measurements and weight and stuff tomorrow (TOMORROW!), but here are some things I've noticed:

• I'm way better at delayed gratification. I drink less water during class, and I don't bother wiping my sweat away anymore. I can deal with a dry throat and a wet face/neck/everything through the poses; I can ignore them and focus on the work I'm doing. 
• I'm far more calm during class. No more panic or anxiety. I really do get lost in the rhythm of it and am often surprised when we get to the final breathing exercise, because I realize we're done. 
• I can stay still. When I started, I'd fidget with my hair and shirt between every set. I'd scratch my nose, wipe my forehead, etc. Now I just stand there (or lie there) and breathe, for the most part. 
• I'm stronger. I can lift higher in Cobra and farther back in Camel, for example. And I don't want to shoot myself or the teacher as I approach muscle failure in Half Moon. 
• I have better balance. Yes, I still fall out of Standing Bow on a regular basis, but I can hold the posture for much longer and with much better form. 
• I'm far more calm out of class. Traffic bothers me less. My kids' issues don't get me as wound up. I'm less obsessive about...everything. "Oh, well," I say to myself. "Let it go."
• My mind is clearer. I'm less foggy, less depressed, less vulnerable to downward mood spirals. 
• I'm better at savoring every moment and being present. This is probably my favorite change.

At the end of class today, Byron gave the usual exhortation: "Practice this yoga five to six times a week, and it'll change your life. Try it for two months and see if we're right."

I definitely agree.

Day 50 -- Serenity Now

Jeff three days in a row! I was tired today after yesterday's Three-Set Class, but I also felt like my stretches today went a little deeper than they've gone before.

Because I was so tired, every standing break, every sip of water, every savasana felt doubly precious. I really embraced my breathing and worked hard to slow it down and master the calm.

My body is definitely getting stronger; I don't get to muscle failure quite as quickly, and my balance and endurance have improved a ton.

But I feel like I've made most progress mentally. Patience. Grit. Perseverance. Serenity. These are where I'm seeing the biggest gains.

Day 34 -- Breath

I had a hard time catching my breath during the standing series today. Jeff always encourages me to work my very hardest, so maybe I overdid it a bit. I was pleased with my progress in Standing Bow Pose in particular and didn't want to let up. But then I had to sit out one set of Triangle. I need to find the balance.

What made it harder today was that there was a man near me who kept huffing and puffing through his mouth throughout the class. Hearing him struggle so obviously somehow made my struggle more difficult. But it also made me focus more on keeping my own breath under control, and remember how I never want to be a distraction to anyone around me in class.

I was able to breathe normally through the floor series; I took Jeff's stillness/refueling advice seriously. After class, I opened my sun roof and car windows to let in the fresh spring air--but then got behind a driver holding a cigarette out the window. The distant smoke smell made me grateful all over again for healthy lungs that are getting stronger with every yoga class.

Day 23 -- Stillness

One of the many things I love about Brook's class is her gentle insistence on stillness. Other teachers emphasize this, too, but Brook really embodies it. I appreciate that, because stillness is very important to me. As I use the mental space for meditation and prayer, it's a chance for me to rest and refuel.

I pray a lot in general. I pray for my kids and my husband. I pray for my students. I pray over my writing. I ask for help to be kinder and more forgiving and less stubborn and selfish. Prayer is a way of life for me.

I see yoga as a form of living prayer: a struggle, a wrestle, a submission of will. I pray in yoga class--before, during, and after. I try to get to the studio a few minutes early so that I can stretch a bit and meditate. I ask to get through the next 90 minutes with grace and strength and an open mind. I think about the day to come afterward and ask for help with various challenges.

During class, my prayers are simple, borne upward on the breaths I work to keep calm and even. Please let me get through this posture without dying. Please help me to learn from my limitations. Please help me to let go of frustration and fear. Please help me to listen, both to the teacher and to my body.

Afterward, it's mostly about gratitude. I'm grateful that I can afford the time and money for yoga class. I live a life of incredible privilege, and it does me good to go through my blessings one by one and recognize how huge, amazing, and undeserved they are.

And sometimes after class, answers to my questions come: softly in the stillness, heard only because I've turned my attention inward. Namaste.

Day 13 -- The Bubble

This morning, class was nearly over; we were all in final savasana. Brook was encouraging us to stay in that posture for as long as we could--one, two, five minutes.

"You've worked hard for this," she said. "Use the focus and purpose and calm you've gained over the past ninety minutes to go out into the world and be a little kinder, a little more patient, a little more generous. You've earned it, so use it."

And I started to cry.

Two weeks into my challenge, I've felt a little tired (okay, a lot tired) and have questioned somewhat whether I can really afford this--so much time devoted to yoga, when I have so many other things going on. My writing. My kids. My husband. My teaching. Household management. SO many other demands. 

I guess I'd been seeking a sign that the Bikram yoga, and the challenge in particular, was the right way for me to be spending my time. 

And then Brook's words fell over me like a gentle rain, and a little emotional bubble burst somewhere in my chest, and tears mingled with the sweat running down my face, and I knew. 

I was in the right place. I'm doing the right thing. All is well. I'll go forward.