Day 56 -- Joy

Oh, that 5:30 a.m. alarm on a Saturday morning.

But on the drive to the yoga studio, I was excited. I know it seems like my favorite teacher is always the one I have that day (and isn't it great to have so many contenders for favorite), but I adore Roxanne. She's been so helpful and kind and willing to take time with me answering my endless questions. This morning, I remembered that I wanted to ask her about the third part of Awkward Pose, which has been my bane from Day One.

I didn't have time to ask her before we started, but then during class, it was as if she'd read my mind. It was a small group, and she came over and helped me figure out how to get down to my ankles--which I'd never been able to do before.

Other exciting breakthroughs today:

I grabbed my foot in Standing Head to Knee--with good hip alignment. That was a first, and Roxanne shouted for joy. Me getting my foot has been a quest of hers, and it was perfect that I got it right for the first time in her class.

In Triangle, Roxanne showed me a hip correction that COMPLETELY changed the posture. How did I not see it before? I was able to get my thigh parallel to the ground for the first time. (Of course, since I'd gotten to muscle failure in the third part of Awkward, I couldn't stay in Triangle for very long. Every time I think I'm getting stronger, I find a new weakness. Oh, well.)

The fourth breakthrough was emotional. If you've read about my Challenge thus far, you know that Camel has been a particular struggle for me, and also that the weight I carry in my gut is an ongoing concern. I sensed a couple of weeks ago that the two things were related, and today I had an insight that confirmed this. I've been visualizing releasing that weight every time I've done Camel since then, and the image that has come into my mind as I've done so is of an iceberg or a glacier calving.

When a big piece breaks off the side, that's what it's called: calving. (And wouldn't be great to let go of weight all at once like that?) But today, I realized that calving is also what a cow does, and that I've held on to weight in my stomach because it's hard to let go of the fact that my childbearing years are over.

Don't get me wrong; I'm happy to be done having kids; six plus one is plenty. But after so many years of it, it's hard to move on from that self-definition as a mother of young children. I don't know if that makes sense, but the truth of it for me--the source of my emotions starting to be uncovered in Camel--felt powerful. And now that I see it clearly, I can let it go. Emotion accompanies that kind of release, and today was no exception.

So, am I glad I woke up before dark and got to class? Oh, yes. I'm always happy I went to class, but today I experienced true joy.

Day 41 -- Back in the Saddle

Yesterday I wrote about yoga on my writing blog, so don't miss that post.

My six-year-old woke up healthy, praise all that's holy, so off to school she went. I got ready to do a double yoga session, but knew that if I checked my phone after the first class and had a message from the school, that would have to do.

I always love Brook's class, so I was glad to start my Friday with her. I was surrounded by teachers in the very full room, which made for a lovely energy. My new thing in Standing Head to Knee is being able to hold my foot with a proper grip--except now my knee is skewed way out to the side. I talked to Roxanne about it after class, and she encouraged me to keep trying to round down and hollow out my front side. I'll keep at it, because I'm probably a little too obsessed with this posture.

And my phone had no messages from the school, so into Jeff's 11am class I went. Jeff has an eagle eye and is great about encouraging students not to give up. There's no phoning it in with him. And, just like in Wednesday's double, the sense of calm enveloped me and carried me through the class.

I've never experienced anything quite like the post-yoga high. The air seems clearer and more fragrant; everything is more beautiful, more delicious, more noteworthy. I floated home and got a 10-minute power nap after showering, and then it was time to go get the kids. Another double in the books; two more to go.

Day 28 -- Effort and Ease

I went to the 6am class today. I know! On a Saturday! But our family had a lot going on today, so it seemed worth it to get up at o'dark thirty and go. I'm happy I did.

Today's teacher was the buoyant, seasoned-but-new-to-me Roxanne, and the class was quite small; there were maybe 15 of us in the room. That meant Roxanne could give us detailed, individualized attention, which felt like a luxury--almost like a private yoga lesson. My turn came during Standing Head to Knee.

I'd been feeling pretty good about how I was doing this pose. No, I wasn't holding my foot, but I could stand one one foot with the other lifted and flexed the entire time everyone else was completing fuller expressions of the asana.

But right away, Roxanne had advice for me. "Your spine shouldn't be straight," she said. "Try rounding down and making contact with your foot or leg instead. You're strong, but rigid. Find the ease in the posture. Go ahead; round down."

I tried it. Ease? No. It instantly made the posture much, much harder. The burn in the outer thigh of my standing leg got way intense very quickly.

I've mentioned before that my core is weak. After giving birth to six kids and not doing anything to restore my ab muscles afterward, I haven't called on my stomach much in recent years. But rounding my spine while reaching for my uplifted foot meant I couldn't rely on my back; I had to use my gut. Oy. Instant humility.

But I'm SO glad Roxanne pointed this out to me. As I rounded my spine, I got MUCH closer to reaching my foot--and maybe I actually will sometime soon.

Effort and ease. It's a complicated dance, but I'm enjoying every step.

Day 24 -- Vision

If you've been in class with me, you know that I do a very modified version of Standing Head to Knee pose. I stand with my leg locked, round my spine down, and reach for my foot. I'm not even close to clasping my hands and grabbing it from underneath. I just stand there with my gut sucked in and focus on keeping my knee locked and my body weight distributed all over my foot.

It's hard. And even though I work to keep a laser-like focus on my own body, I am aware that I'm often the only person in the room doing this modification. That's okay; I really don't care. I'm too busy imagining myself completely extended in the full posture. I follow the teacher's instructions in my mind and imagine doing exactly what s/he directs: extending the bent leg, stretching the Achilles tendon, lowering my head to my knee. Someday, if I keep working and imagining myself doing it, I'll get there. There is real power in vision.

Standing there and reaching down today with my gaze arrowed in on my knee's image in the mirror, I thought about different kinds of strength. My hip flexors aren't strong enough yet for me to lift my leg high enough to grab my foot. But this body has carried and birthed and nursed six children. That's strength for you. I can't raise my leg up very high yet in Standing Bow. But I wonder how many of the lithe, fit people around me could do the posture at all while wearing a 50-pound weighted vest. (I'm losing inches like crazy, but the pounds are coming off very slowly.) And fortunately, my vision, which is just another aspect of faith, is very strong. In class, I celebrate my strengths even as I look forward to becoming much stronger.

Another vision today: I generally like to move around the room from class to class. This is unusual, I think; most people I've come to recognize seem to like the same spot over and over again. Today, after three days of especially challenging classes, I decided to park my mat by the door. I've heard it's cooler there, and I felt like I needed an edge. Class ended up being great, but in final savasana, I got my reward. As people left the room, big swaths of cool air would blow in from outside. It was like lying on a hot beach with the sun beating down, and then having the most lovely, gentle waves rush up and over my body, again and again. I finally got up and left with the biggest smile on my face. Vision carried me through another class.