Day 53 -- I'm Tryin'

Whenever I used to run into my West African friend, Roselyn, when I lived in Manhattan, I'd ask her how she was, like you do. Her answer was invariably, "I'm tryin.'"

I thought of Roselyn this morning. Hormones are conspiring against me, and it took a lot of willpower to get myself to class. The yoga room was HOT, despite my best hydration efforts. I worked hard to distance myself from emotions and self-judgment as class continued, but by the time we got to Rabbit pose, a bad attitude was setting in. I pushed it aside and kept breathing. Lying in final savasana, I didn't feel the payoff I usually get. That bummed me out.

The payoff came a few minutes later. I met another new student named Megan (and introduced her to Megan, Eva's aide, as well as Eva). Then we got to chat with veteran teachers Roxanne and Jen, both of whom were so very helpful and encouraging. Bless them. Once again, the yoga community saved my mood.

One week and eight classes to go. I see the light at the end of the tunnel; I just hope it's not a train. :)

Day 44 -- Listen

In contrast to yesterday, today I needed to get out of the room.

Last night, my six-year-old was up at midnight with an earache. After I gave her some medicine, her sister tried to corral the dog, who had escaped from the girls' room (where she usually sleeps) and hidden under our bed. I told the girls just to go back to bed, and that Moneypenny could hang out with us for a while.

But it took me a long time to go back to sleep, partly because Moneypenny was fidgety, and her dog tags kept clinking and startling me fully awake. Then at 1am, she started barking at something outside, pulling me out of my drowse and back into adrenaline mode. I took her back downstairs, but again--it took me a long time to settle down.

And the alarm goes off every day at 5:15 a.m. There's no snooze, no wiggle room; it's not like I can skip the class I teach every weekday at 6am. So whenever I have a rough night (and they're actually quite few and far between these days, nothing like those years of nursing babies and toddlers), I promise myself a nap at some point, and that gets me going.

I got the kids off to school and headed to the yoga studio. I always love Brook's class, and things started out well. But halfway through the Standing Series, I felt faint. I sat out half of Triangle and got back up for Standing Separate Leg Head to Knee. In the past, I've always been able to get all the way through Tree, telling myself that the long Savasana is up next.

But today, I started blacking out during Tree. I staggered out of the room and sat for five minutes. Once it was time for Full Locust, I went back in.

At some point during the Floor Series, Brook reminded us to focus on her words when we felt overwhelmed and scattered. I always do this with all the teachers, and Brook's smooth, warm cadence makes that task particularly easy.

But today, I had to listen to my body as well. I needed the break today, as opposed to just wanting one yesterday. It did me good, and I got through and finished the class.

Day 40 -- Showing Up

Well, today I should be two thirds of the way through the Sixty-Day Challenge.

Except I'm not.

Last night, I went to bed pleased and hopeful--glad that I'd done that double, and feeling confident that I could do two more to finish the Challenge before April 29.

And then this morning, my six-year-old woke up with yet another fever. I'd planned to go to the 9am class this morning--and a newbie friend was going to come with me--and I had to cancel. The ground I gained yesterday is lost again. I'm back to owing three doubles in the next twenty days.

On other days, I might be able to do an afternoon or evening class once my teenagers are home, but not today. Not with two kids having orthodontist appointments at 3:30, three kids having swim practice at 5:40, and one receiving his Cub Scout Arrow of Light at 7:00 tonight. I'm booked up solid with kid stuff.

When I'm being rational, I remember that my family is my first priority, and that taking care of sick kids is a) part of the job I chose; and b) fulfilling in its own way.

But this Challenge is important to me. I didn't know whether I could even get this far, and now that there's light at the end of the tunnel, it's hard not to resent anything that gets in the way of my momentum.

So here I am, trying to let it go. I can show up for my family, and hopefully tomorrow my daughter will be well, and I can show up for another back-to-back double at the yoga studio.

Day 29 -- Judgment

Today's teacher was yet another new to me: Eva. She's tiny, toned, and oh-so-calm. I haven't yet had a teacher whom I haven't enjoyed and appreciated. Roxanne was at class today, and again encouraged me in my new rethinking of Head to Knee. I followed her advice. It was hard, but I can see how much better this approach to the posture is.

Bikram is big on making the connection with yourself in the mirror. This was difficult for me to do when I started. Around the house, I tend to avoid the mirror; it has not been my friend for a long, long time. But now, for 90 minutes every day, I'm focusing only on my image, and I think I'm starting to be able to do so with some peace.

Yes, I'd like to lose 50 pounds. No, I haven't lost any weight at all yet (just lots of inches, which of course is awesome). But acceptance is slowly coming. This is who I am right now, and that's okay.