Day 54 -- Grace

Nine tenths of the way through the Challenge, people. I don't know about you, but I'm pretty impressed. :)

Before class today, I read this magnificent piece by Anne Lamott, who's one of my favorite people on the planet. (Go read it; it's far more worth your time than this post.)

I've been thinking about grace ever since. Not the kind that ballet dancers and hummingbirds and running backs have; the kind from heaven. The kind that comes when you least expect or deserve it and bathes you in warmth and healing. A smile from a stranger. A call from a friend. The forgiveness of a family member. A little bit of extra help to get you out of bed and out of yourself and into the world. Grace got me to the yoga studio today.

In yoga class, we make ourselves vulnerable; you can't help but be vulnerable when you're trying that hard at something. As I think about it, it's actually kind of a miracle that no one in the room judges or laughs as we put ourselves out there and go through our imperfect practices.

Today as I wobbled in Standing Bow and reached in vain for the ground in (the very beginning of) Toe Stand, my weaknesses were all right there, staring back at me in the mirror.

As I tried to breathe calmly and practice stillness--

--and also transform my intense yoga face (which looks super mean and angry, no lie) into a "delighted, smiling, happy face," as awesome teacher Christian put it today--

--I thought of this scripture, which reads,

And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

I'm weak in so many ways, and humility is even harder to practice than Ustrasana. But it's the catalyst for grace, so I'm choosing it hour by hour.

Day 53 -- I'm Tryin'

Whenever I used to run into my West African friend, Roselyn, when I lived in Manhattan, I'd ask her how she was, like you do. Her answer was invariably, "I'm tryin.'"

I thought of Roselyn this morning. Hormones are conspiring against me, and it took a lot of willpower to get myself to class. The yoga room was HOT, despite my best hydration efforts. I worked hard to distance myself from emotions and self-judgment as class continued, but by the time we got to Rabbit pose, a bad attitude was setting in. I pushed it aside and kept breathing. Lying in final savasana, I didn't feel the payoff I usually get. That bummed me out.

The payoff came a few minutes later. I met another new student named Megan (and introduced her to Megan, Eva's aide, as well as Eva). Then we got to chat with veteran teachers Roxanne and Jen, both of whom were so very helpful and encouraging. Bless them. Once again, the yoga community saved my mood.

One week and eight classes to go. I see the light at the end of the tunnel; I just hope it's not a train. :)

Day 52 -- Practice

Byron was in charge today. He's great. When he walked in, he said, "You know what they say about small classes: they're quick, easy, and painless."

We all laughed.

Painless? No. Right from the start, my balance wasn't great. I had some good moments, but I found myself getting frustrated.

Byron must have been reading my mind, because then he said, "Remember: this isn't a yoga performance. This is a yoga practice."

And somehow, once I felt I had permission not to be perfect (not that I was even close), things got easier.

Thank heaven for intuitive teachers.

Day 51 -- Finding the Ease

Jeff said something surprising on Saturday. "Stop clenching your butts," he directed the class as we stood in Half Moon. "There's no room for your spine to move if you're clenching. Learn the difference between contracting and clenching."

I spent the rest of the class trying to figure out the distinction. I continued on Sunday, and today in marvelous Brook's class, I tried some more. This is a fine line, at least for someone as uncoordinated and (previously) unaware of her body as I am.

And finding the line made every posture more difficult. It's really hard to relax your back while your stomach is held in, your thigh is lifted, and your standing leg is locked in Standing Head to Knee. But I'm sure this is what Roxanne meant weeks ago when she told me to search for the ease in each asana.

I've accepted that this work will never not be hard, but I didn't realize there would be so many different ways for it to be hard. I'm sure I'll discover more as I keep practicing.

Brook said something today that I want to have govern my practice: "Easy breath, honest effort, good form." That really says it all, and it's something I can carry into the rest of my life as well.

Day 50 -- Serenity Now

Jeff three days in a row! I was tired today after yesterday's Three-Set Class, but I also felt like my stretches today went a little deeper than they've gone before.

Because I was so tired, every standing break, every sip of water, every savasana felt doubly precious. I really embraced my breathing and worked hard to slow it down and master the calm.

My body is definitely getting stronger; I don't get to muscle failure quite as quickly, and my balance and endurance have improved a ton.

But I feel like I've made most progress mentally. Patience. Grit. Perseverance. Serenity. These are where I'm seeing the biggest gains.

Day 49 -- The Three-Set Class

I won't deny I was nervous when I signed up for Jeff's Three-Set Class, but the fact that it would count as a double was plenty of motivation despite my anxiety.

I needn't have worried. Jeff is serious about yoga, but doesn't take himself seriously. There were so many great things about the two and a half hours:

• Jeff deconstructed many of the asanas, showing what they were designed to do and why. Layering new info onto experience at a high level of detail is one of my favorite things, and this class was no exception.
• He also showed us a lot of advanced postures that build off of the basic ones we do in class, which was inspiring and mind-blowing. I didn't know the human body could do some of the things that he and Roxanne showed us. Wow.
• The pace was slightly slower, which meant I could catch my breath and really focus on trying new things and feeling new ways to do things I already knew.
• We got lots of attention and praise as we worked our hardest to rise to new levels. 
• The energy in the room was high--lots of laughter, lots of intensity, lots of whooping and cheering. 

When it was all done, I felt great; I think all of us were sorry that it was over. Jesse had kidded that the class shouldn't be worth a full two stars on our Challenge charts, but I swear: we earned them.

I would definitely do another three-set class in the future; I hear cool things are being planned for the fall, and I don't think I'll be nervous about signing up again.

"You'll be higher than a kite when you leave here," Jeff promised early in the class. He was right.

Day 48 -- Good Feeling

Class was great today. Jeff always gets me to work even harder than I think I can, and even though I still stink at Triangle, I'm happy with my progress in so many other postures. And now I feel great. It's that simple. It's the time of the month when I'm normally feeling super anxious and irritable, but right now? It's all mellow.

Tomorrow is Jeff's special three-set class. THREE sets of all 26 asanas instead of two. It should take about two hours, he says. I'm going, largely because it counts as a double and I still have two of those to do, but also because he's going to show us some advanced expressions of the postures, which sounds really inspiring. And a lot of my yoga friends will be there, so we'll all be in it together.

One thing that makes me happy about Bikram Yoga Pasadena is the HUGE range of people that show up to class. The diversity is SO cool--all ages, ethnicities, orientations, walks of life--I love it. Not only is it a diverse group, it's an open, accepting, tolerant, and supportive group. These are good people trying hard to be better. It's always uplifting to be among them.