Day 31 -- Make It a Double

Today I'm more than halfway through the Sixty-Day Challenge day-wise...but not class-wise. As I write this first half of today's post at 10:45 a.m., I've done 28 classes in the past 31 days. (I went to Sachie's 6:30 class this morning. Patrick went with me, which was lovely.)

That means I need to do at least three "doubles" (or "two-a-days") before the challenge is over. The days are getting on, and the need to make those classes up is weighing on me; today will be my first double.

Yesterday, I was a little nervous of what a double might take out of me, so I read up a bit online. Everyone unanimously counseled paying extra attention to hydration--at least 24 hours in advance. So yesterday, I drank even more than I usually do, paying attention to electrolytes. 

Was it a coincidence that this morning's class felt miraculously easy? Maybe "easy" is the wrong word. I still worked as hard as I possibly could--but I got through every posture without sitting any out, and the room didn't feel as hot as it usually does. According to what I read online, exhaustion and heat intolerance are symptoms of dehydration. I wonder whether I've been under-hydrating all this time without realizing it. We'll see. 

I wish I could just take a long nap, but the kids don't have school today, and my errand list is lengthy. But even given all I need to do, I will rest as much as I can until it's time to leave for the 4:30 class. 

***

Second class, after a long day of errands: tough, but manageable. I was glad Jeff was in charge; his positive, clear, detailed directions were my lifeline. I had to sit out a set of Triangle and all of Floor Bow, but the rest went okay. Tess went with me and had fun. One double down! 29 classes done; 31 to go. Can't wait to be in savasana for seven hours in my bed. I'm hydrating to be ready for tomorrow's 9 o'clock with Val!

Day 30 -- Savor It

I love Eric Barker's blog. He posts research on "how to be awesome at life," and his messages are always great reminders of things I can improve.

Last week, he posted about how to be happy, and his number one suggestion was to slow down and pay attention. Savor life, he suggests, and you'll notice that you're enjoying it more.

In Brook's always awesome class today, I noticed my discomfort in every moment and decided to try to turn it around and savor it. Brook reminded us that the sensations we were experiencing were only temporary, so I held onto that concept and let myself experience fully. Yes, I kept falling out of Standing Bow, but I focused on how it felt both to be in the posture and out of the posture.

Every savasana was even more enjoyable when I really worked to savor it. I noticed how uncomfortable and panicky I felt in Rabbit, and then let it go. After a lifetime spent avoiding discomfort, it's interesting to embrace it and appreciate where it can take me.

Day 29 -- Judgment

Today's teacher was yet another new to me: Eva. She's tiny, toned, and oh-so-calm. I haven't yet had a teacher whom I haven't enjoyed and appreciated. Roxanne was at class today, and again encouraged me in my new rethinking of Head to Knee. I followed her advice. It was hard, but I can see how much better this approach to the posture is.

Bikram is big on making the connection with yourself in the mirror. This was difficult for me to do when I started. Around the house, I tend to avoid the mirror; it has not been my friend for a long, long time. But now, for 90 minutes every day, I'm focusing only on my image, and I think I'm starting to be able to do so with some peace.

Yes, I'd like to lose 50 pounds. No, I haven't lost any weight at all yet (just lots of inches, which of course is awesome). But acceptance is slowly coming. This is who I am right now, and that's okay.

Day 28 -- Effort and Ease

I went to the 6am class today. I know! On a Saturday! But our family had a lot going on today, so it seemed worth it to get up at o'dark thirty and go. I'm happy I did.

Today's teacher was the buoyant, seasoned-but-new-to-me Roxanne, and the class was quite small; there were maybe 15 of us in the room. That meant Roxanne could give us detailed, individualized attention, which felt like a luxury--almost like a private yoga lesson. My turn came during Standing Head to Knee.

I'd been feeling pretty good about how I was doing this pose. No, I wasn't holding my foot, but I could stand one one foot with the other lifted and flexed the entire time everyone else was completing fuller expressions of the asana.

But right away, Roxanne had advice for me. "Your spine shouldn't be straight," she said. "Try rounding down and making contact with your foot or leg instead. You're strong, but rigid. Find the ease in the posture. Go ahead; round down."

I tried it. Ease? No. It instantly made the posture much, much harder. The burn in the outer thigh of my standing leg got way intense very quickly.

I've mentioned before that my core is weak. After giving birth to six kids and not doing anything to restore my ab muscles afterward, I haven't called on my stomach much in recent years. But rounding my spine while reaching for my uplifted foot meant I couldn't rely on my back; I had to use my gut. Oy. Instant humility.

But I'm SO glad Roxanne pointed this out to me. As I rounded my spine, I got MUCH closer to reaching my foot--and maybe I actually will sometime soon.

Effort and ease. It's a complicated dance, but I'm enjoying every step.

Day 27 -- Milestones

After a very rough night's sleep and not feeling great this morning, I was not optimistic about how class would go today. On the drive to the studio, I told myself it was okay if I just sat cross-legged on my mat the whole time.

But then, I surprised myself. In Standing Bow, I saw my foot over my shoulder for the first time. I made it through both sets of Triangle. In Fixed Firm, I got all the way into the posture for the first time. (No pain!) And I made it through Camel without feeling like I was going to pass out. It was a banner day!

I've noticed other milestones, too. Today, my fresh-from-the-dryer jeans went on more easily. My yoga pants are all getting a bit baggy. And I have muscle definition in my upper arms and thighs that I've never had. It's exciting to notice the incremental progress.

Of course, tomorrow's challenge will be not having expectations. But I maybe will have a little more confidence than I did this morning.

Day 26 -- Fatigue

Jeff told me early on in the challenge that fatigue would be a problem. I appreciated the heads-up, and I didn't doubt him. Twenty-six years ago, I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, so I am intimately acquainted with the cumulative effects of fatigue. And today, I definitely feel the truth of Jeff's statement.

Class was great. Y Thuan, like all the Bikram Pasadena teachers, is a pro. I enjoyed her gentle corrections and encouragement. I did my best. I can tell I'm making progress in several postures, and I was delighted after class when Val asked if she could profile me in her next newsletter. She took a photo of sweaty me squinting into the sun and doing Half Moon Pose, and then asked me a few questions about what brought me to Bikram. It was a nice shot in the arm.

After coming home, though, I haven't gotten myself to do much of anything other than give James some advice on his John Donne essay. Part of it is that I have a six-year-old home from school with a fever, and it's way nicer to cuddle with her while she watches the Disney Channel than it is to do anything on my chore list. Part of it is that this week has been very hectic schedule-wise. And I know that a lot of it is hormonal, so I'm trying just to go with it. My body is tired; I'm trying to give it what it demands.

I have to get up and get going, though. People will need dinner and clean clothes and encouragement on homework very soon. The down time has done me good; I'll find my second wind. And then I'll get up tomorrow and go to yoga all over again, fatigue or no fatigue.

Day 25 -- Company

My 18-year-old son, James, went with me to Bikram class today. He's home on Spring Break from UC Berkeley, and it's always great to have him around. He's had asthma for a long time; just last year he was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes, a challenge to which he has risen with grace and courage.

I've wondered for a long time whether yoga would help James's asthma, so I invited him along today. He's extremely flexible, and as difficult as it was for him to encounter Bikram for the first time, he enjoyed it. It was great to have his company, but I did have to force myself to focus on me and quell my impulses to correct his newbie form. I hope he'll consider continuing with Bikram once the semester is over.

James is studying John Donne in one of his classes at Berkeley right now, which makes me happy, because Donne is one of my favorite writers. He was a master of the poetic form known as the sonnet.

I was thinking about sonnets just the other day. My daughter Hope asked me whether I ever get bored in yoga class, since it's always the same. At first I laughed and said, "I'm working too hard to be bored." But then I answered her with my favorite passage from Madeleine L'Engle's great novel A Wrinkle in Time. In it, a character named Mrs. Whatsit says this:

In your language you have a form of poetry called the sonnet…There are fourteen lines, I believe, all in iambic pentameter. That’s a very strict rhythm or meter…And each line has to end with a rigid pattern. And if the poet does not do it exactly this way, it is not a sonnet…But within this strict form the poet has complete freedom to say whatever he wants…You’re given the form, but you have to write the sonnet yourself. What you say is completely up to you. 

I find Bikram class to be like a sonnet. It's a strict form, and precision and exactness are encouraged. But within that form is a whole range of human expression; in fact, the very structure of it highlights individuality, in my opinion. No, I'm never bored in Bikram's yoga class, and I don't think I ever will be. I've been given the form, but I have to write the sonnet myself. What I do with it is completely up to me.